random thoughts on my last day before i have a baby.


 My maternity leave starts today.  I have the day to myself to relax and rest and get ready for what is about to happen.  I am being induced tonight and I am soooo anxious.  I really don't ever feel nervous, I just always have anxiety.  I don't like waiting for something to happen, I just want it to happen and deal with it.  We are scheduled to be at the hospital at 8pm.  At that time they will put a gel on my cervix to get it "ripe and ready" (TMI?) and in the morning they will start pitocin to induce contractions.  I am resisting my urge to google all of this, and to look up negative side effects.  Why would I want to do that? Joey says I prepare for every possible worst outcome, and he is right.  I don't like the unknown.  I can't help it!  I have to remind myself that if I worry about something, then it happens, I've had to live it twice.
"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

Today I slept as late as I could, then got up and had breakfast.  I've been very emotional all day.  As soon as I woke up and saw all of the text messages and facebook posts I had, I just started crying before I even got out of bed.  I am so thankful to have so many people who love us and love Shepherd already.  I'm so blessed to have people in my life who PRAY.  I know the power of prayer, I have seen it work and make a difference.  I feel better knowing people are not just thinking about us, but asking God to watch over us.

My entire life I've thought about what this would be like.  Going through pregnancy and having children.  I'm thankful I've had 8 years with Joey, to enjoy each other.  We have been married almost 3 years and I know we are ready for this.   We are going from 2 to 3, and it will never be the same.  I can't imagine all of the joy Shepherd will bring to our lives.  


Last night we went to Cheddars for dinner.  My favorite meal right now is their spinach dip and croissants that we share for an appetizer, and then I have grilled fish tacos, and take little swigs of Joey's coke (I don't order one for myself so I won't drink too much caffeine!)  Then we went on an hour long walk, still hoping Shepherd might decide to come on his own.
This is me before our walk:

Today is my sweet sister's birthday.  It is a long way off but I already can't wait for Shepherd to have a sibling.  I can't imagine life without Hallie.  Love you sister!


I was praying Tuesday night and thinking about pregnancy and being Shepherd's mother and relating it to being a child of God.  Pregnancy is hard work.  How can anyone who has gone through it not believe in God?  My best friends dad told her that you never rely on God more than after you have children, because you realize you really have no control, it is all up to Him.  
I do not know how to make a baby.  Only God knows how to make a baby.  I haven't done anything special, my body has done it all on its own.  It just knows what to do, and God created that.  It all works so intricately well.  
I was thinking about how as a mother, I love Shepherd completely and unconditionally.  No matter what he does in life, I am on his side.  All of these past 9 (10!) months are already worth it and he isn't even here yet.  I thought about how the only thing I would want back from him, is for him to grow up into a good man and be happy and reach his full potential. 
God didn't just create mankind, he knows each and every one of us.  He created me, Jessica, and there is no one else like me.  He created my body and mind, He created my talents, my beliefs, my emotions, my strengths, my weaknesses. Part of who I am is Rick and Jennifer's daughter, Hallie's sister, Joey's wife and now Shepherd's mother.   God didn't just create me without a plan.  He knows every day of my life.  I never understood "free will" until now.  I used to think, "how can I have free will if God already knows what I'm going to do?"
Just like God didn't create me without a purpose and a plan, I'm doing the same thing for Shepherd.  Joey and I know what we want for Shepherd.  We know what we want to teach him, what we hope he does in life.  But even though I'll probably think so many times that I know best, I don't ever want to control Shepherd.  I want him to make his own decisions, be his own person, make his own mistakes.  I just hope he learns from me and Joey and respects us.  
God gave us free will.  He is all-knowing so he knows every day of our lives.  God of course wants us to accept him, to learn from him, to live life for His glory.  He wants me to use the talents He gave me, He wants me to use what I've gone through in life to share with others about Him.  But he is not controlling me.  I've never felt controlled by being a Christian.  I've felt my conscious, I've felt his voice, but I make my own decisions.  Each of our lives are up to us.  I know my best life will come from following His direction.

I'm thankful for my personal relationship with Christ, I'm thankful for parents who took me to church and who I saw praying and reading their Bibles.  Having that just made it easier for me.  I'm thankful for parents and grandparents who were praying for my future husband.  I'm already praying for Shepherd's future wife and whoever her parents are and where they are right now.  I don't think my life really started until I accepted Christ and became a Christian.  I accepted Christ at 10 years old and was baptized then, but I don't think it all really sunk in until I was about 16.  My biggest prayer for Shepherd is that he finds a relationship with God early, so he can start living!

I'll end this rambling by sharing a letter my husband wrote to Shepherd.
Thank you Lord for a husband who will be a good Daddy!
I seriously can't imagine going through all of this without him.  I haven't lifted a finger in 9 months ;)

Today is the BIG DAY. Jess and I are ready to enter a new chapter in our lives and I can't wait to meet the star character! We've been soo blessed with such amazing family and friends supporting us along the way, this little guy doesn't know how lucky he is! I wrote this letter to Shepherd a few weeks ago and while he may never read it, I'll think of it often to make sure I hold myself accountable and give him everything I promised, and hopefully more.
Shepherd,
I found it very difficult to find the right words to say to you, someone that I’ve never met, yet love so much. I’m so nervous, it’s as if I’ve been holding my breath for 9 months. Every day I ask your Mom if you’re moving around “enough” and I’ve been praying for you day and night since I found out you were on the way. You’ll be here any day now and my life will be forever changed for the better; I’m so excited, over the moon actually. I’m looking forward to meeting you and helping you on your journey to become the man I already know you can be; a kind man, full of integrity, compassion and the ability to laugh at yourself. A confident man that doesn’t judge others and is respectful of women. There is a truckload of things I want to teach you, things that we can learn together, and I'm sure you'll teach me just as much! I know that God made me the man I am, gave me the life that I’ve lived with the struggles I’ve faced, for you. I hope that I can help you to know that God and I love you unconditionally...always, and that it’s OK to fail and to cry. That being nice to people is invaluable and that it’s OK to be silly. I want you to be confident and happy, generous and loyal. I want you to tell the truth and keep promises, dream the biggest dreams and be a good friend. I can’t wait to teach you how to tie your shoes, ride a bike, give a firm hand shake, and more importantly a great hug! I look forward to teaching you  how to throw a ball, swing a tennis racquet and give you the confidence to show the world your dance moves. I want you to know how important it is to have good manners, be a gentleman and to always do what is right, even when it’s difficult. I want you to be the type of man that other men respect, women are comfortable around and a leader that people follow because they want to.  I want to teach you how to appropriately handle your anger, manage your finances, and the importance of being a good listener. I am looking forward to teaching you to cook, shave, have fun, tie a tie, shoot a free throw, cut the grass, work hard, change a tire, cherish your family, love life, respect your mother, be a spiritual leader, a lifelong learner and a man of God. Most important, I hope that I can teach you how to live, by giving you a strong example to follow. I know that being your father will make me a better man and I can’t wait to be your dad for the rest of my life!
I Love You So Much Buddy,

Your Dad.


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6 comments:

  1. That letter made me SO teary at work -- Shepherd is going to be incredibly blessed with parents like you two. Prayers and good thoughts for you tonight and tomorrow, mama ;)

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  2. Sending goodd thoughts your way, those letters totally made me cry. So precious. Enjoy tomorrow.


    Shauna

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  3. such a sweet post! I'll be thinking of you tonight/tomorrow, so excited for you that you get to meet Shepherd so soon! I've been trying to "walk the baby out" too but might be joining you in the induction department soon who knows at this point...

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  4. Jessica, you're blessed with that hubby of yours! Shep will be so lucky to live and learn from both of you! I can't wait got your journey to begin with they sweet boy on the outside of your world!

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  5. Congrats to you both! Hope everything is going smoothly!

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  6. Just wanted you to know that I've been praying for you all!!
    xoxo

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