gahhh!!!

I have been so emotional lately.
I debate sharing this.  I generally prefer to keep a positive vibe, especially on social media.  My thought has always been that my life is pretty great, so complaining about something dumb is pretty obnoxious.  I honestly think about anything I have to complain about and think about the people who would gladly trade their problems for mine.  But I'm reading For the Love (Jen Hatmaker) and something she wrote spoke to me.
From For the Love:
"If we could believe we are deeply connected in the fragile places, we could drop the games.  When you tell me the truth about yourself, I no longer hide from you.  You become safer for me. So guess what? You are now a recipient of my truth too. I am drawn to you. Your vulnerability makes a path for my own. Your truth-telling says to me, 'I will not despise, judge, or abandon you.' Ironically, it gives me the courage to be afraid, the strength to be weak."

So in an effort to be more authentic and share the things I wouldn't normally share, because I wouldn't want to appear unappreciative or whiney, this post.
I'm also pregnant and I think my hormones are crazy.

I was in a bit of a funk this past weekend.  It started on Thursday.
Every other Thursday is our MOPS day at church.  It was my table's turn to bring food, and I stayed up late Wednesday making a casserole.  I woke up at 6:30 Thursday morning to get ready without the boys and lucky me Major woke up at 6:45 in a MOOD.  An "only want Mom and no one else and she has to hold me but I'm going to cry no matter what" mood.  We needed to leave by 8:20 and Shep was still sound asleep at 8 so I had to wake him up.  He likes to wake up very sloooowly and won't eat when he first wakes up.  I hate waking him up and then having to rush him.  We managed to make it to church on time and I checked both boys in to the nursery.  Major for some reason hates the nursery and usually makes the poor nursery workers hold him the entire time.  After the way he'd been that morning, I didn't have high hopes for him.  Well, 30 minutes into our usually about 2 hour MOPS meeting, I get a text from the nursery saying Major is having a really hard time.  I go to him and try to hang out in his room a little bit, thinking if he starts having fun I can sneak out and he'll be ok.  Well that didn't work.  I ended up just getting Shepherd early too and leaving.  As soon as we got in the car I burst into tears and cried the whole way home.  Then Shepherd's asking, "Mom why are you crying?" and I feel like the worst mom.  I know I'll probably never remember this day, and it won't matter, but it just sucked.  Twice a month I have a 2 hour thing planned and I can't do it.  Its literally the only thing I have planned, all month long.  I so appreciate not having to be busy and I salute all of the moms who get up and get to work and take their kids to school...I literally don't know what I'll do when I have three to get ready to leave the house, plus myself and somewhere like school that we actually have to be on time.  Right now, I think, is it worth spending all the time just to get out of the house to only be there 30 minutes? Having little kids is hard! It is so hard to get three people ready to go, when two of them are running away from you the whole time.  Unless of course you stop trying to get them ready to focus on yourself, then they're right on top of you.  And about the time Major gets to an age where he's a little easier, I'll be starting all over with a new one.

So after our morning, I had my 20 week appointment with my new midwife.  I literally was holding back tears talking to her.  One because I really liked her, and she just GOT IT. Two because I am so overwhelmed and confused and other emotions over preparing for this birth.  I've mentioned before I'm between another VBAC or another C-section, and I will go more into that in another post!  But really the decision is up to me and I just want to make the right one.  I miss my midwife in Lexington so much.  Side story: When we were still in Lexington, right before we moved, one day I ran to Texas Roadhouse to pick up lunch.  Another woman there looked so familiar and I realized she was a nurse at my midwives. We chatted and I told her we were moving and one thing I had already thought about that made me sad was that I most likely wouldn't deliver my next baby with them. (I didn't even know I was pregnant at the time.) Then I got in the car and cried just thinking about not being with them.  I'm crying just typing this.  Who cries over their gynecologist?! If you live in Lexington, go to Womankind Midwives.  They are angels on this earth.

So then on Saturday we had to take my grandma to the airport after spending 2 weeks with us, and I swear I started crying when we said goodbye and I didn't stop until that night.  I was just so emotional all day and just wanted to cry and cry some more.

I was a little naive thinking moving across the country wouldn't really affect me.  Its hard not feeling settled.  We have a great place to live, but it doesn't feel like home.  Being a mom is mentally hard.  I can refill a sippy cup all day long, thats not hard.  Whats hard is at the end of the day I reflect and feel like all I've done all day is get snacks and change diapers and I haven't talked to an adult all day and I swear I'm getting dumber because my brain must be shrinking.  Joey reminded me that I'm doing the most important work, raising two little boys, and its much more than just refilling sippy cups.  I just crave alone time.  I literally need it to function like a normal human.  I'm completely introverted, I love peace and quiet.  I don't need sleep, I need time to think straight.

The only point of this post that I can think of, is that I love looking back over my blog.  I want to remember this time in my life, the good and the hard. I know it won't be this type of hard forever!  Things will change and I know I'll miss the days of being home all day with two crazy boys.

Some pictures, because it feels incomplete without them:

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2 comments:

  1. I don't think I've ever commented before, but I'm a mom of two boys, 2.5 years old and 9 months old, and we've moved twice in the past two years, and WOW is it hard. So, so hard. I can't tell you how many moments I've had like the MOPS one you described. We're renting right now, building a house that won't be done until next spring, and I'm just tired of feeling unsettled. I stay at home, too, and I just feel like I'm treading water right now without a support network. I'm glad you wrote this post. It's easy to feel alone.

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    1. Thank you for commenting! Moving is much harder than I anticipated. I guess I didn't really think I'd get homesick? Its hard to not feel like our life is on hold, especially with renting. I don't have a support network here either and I would really just like to find a babysitter so we could go out to dinner or something, but hard to trust anyone when you don't know anyone! Keep fighting the good fight! ;) Thanks for reading!

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