days that feel the same

Can I just be annoying and go on for a minute? Because I want to look back on this blog and it reflect my whole life, not just the good parts. 

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. But thinking about getting through these next almost 8 weeks is putting me in the biggest funk, state of depression, Seasonal Affective Disorder, call it whatever, I'm over it. It doesn't help that Major wakes up multiple times a night and I am on the verge of getting sick. 

Everyday I feel like I do everything, and nothing at the same time. I'm so bored but also never bored. Every day is exactly the same and every day is hard. I leave the house maybe on the weekends usually just to go to the grocery. I feel like the most boring person ever. Just being this pregnant and unable to handle both of the boys alone on top of the weather, I'm pretty much home bound unless Joey is with me. 

Honestly a March birth IS perfect timing. If I was due in August I still wouldn't have a ton of energy to take the boys out, but I'd be disappointed feeling like I was missing out on nice weather. At least now I'm not missing out on anything, being a shut in. 

This sounds crazy, but I'm not exaggerating, just the walk from our door to the car is AN ORDEAL. We rent the basement apartment, so we have to walk all through the backyard, up stairs and a little gravel area, open a gate that is super annoying half the time, truck through the front yard and the driveway is currently a sheet of ice, then get both boys in the car. This usually equals one of them trying to run the opposite direction to play, and both of them getting snow on them and becoming soaking wet. I've had to go back inside for entire new outfits before and re-dress them in the car. Also, because of the cold I have to get them fully dressed with coat and boots and hats, only to get to the car and have to take it all off. If I wasn't hugely pregnant it would still be annoying, but at almost 8 months pregnant, it never feels worth it. So I've just resigned to hibernate until March even if I'm going stir crazy and slowly LOSING MY MIND. 

8 more weeks just feels like such a L O N G time. This is a very very short season. All I can do is wait for it to be over. In two months I'm sure I'll have something new to go on about, but at least I won't be pregnant. This is temporary, this is situational. I just can't be a good wife, a good mom, a nice person when I never ever have a minute to think straight or be alone or do anything. If I'm ever in the car alone, I'm like "Oh hi brain! There you are! We are on vacation!"
8 weeks 8 weeks 8 weeks. 
I really do love my life and feel happy in general, but in the day to day I feel so restless. 

I saw this article shared on Facebook awhile back and it really did change my thought process. How often do we pray for things to be better? When sometimes things are just hard and they're going to be hard. How I feel right now, this restless, miserable funk, it will be short lived.  A situation I know is going to change. I'm just pregnant and huge and tired and uncomfortable and surrounded by snow that never melts. Praying to make it better makes no sense. It's not like I want a different life. What I'm doing is praying to make it count. Make it count, I don't know how or what that looks like. Maybe I'm learning something, maybe in 30 years I'll be telling all of my daughter in laws "I get it, get out of this house, I'll babysit." Maybe I'll be telling all of my sons, "Hey can you just do your wife a favor and wash a freaking pan? I know she's crazy, I was too." I don't know. Ugh Lord help me get through these next few weeks and come out alive!

And because this man has a song that speaks to me for everything. 

AMEN
Dave Barnes

We will have love, we will have pain
There will be days and days and days that feel the same
We will have fear, we will have joy
There may be little girls and little boys

We will have friends, we will have peace
There will be nights of lights and music til you sleep
We will be strong though we were still weak
We'll live through so much more than we could take

Amen, Amen
With the dawn the love began again
Amen, Amen
What is done and yet to come, Amen

We will have hope, we will have doubt
There will be memories we could never live without
We will have tears but there will be grace
There will be prayers that we never thought we'd pray

Amen, Amen
With the dawn the love began again
Amen, Amen
What is done and yet to come, Amen

In the sun or the storm, the flood or the flame
When everything's wrong, when I'm the one to blame
When heartaches grow old, I swear I'll say
I'll say Amen, Amen

With the dawn the love began again
Amen, Amen
What is done and yet to come, Amen

----------

I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory. 
1 Peter 1:6-7 (MSG)

Share

2 comments:

  1. Aww, my heart goes out to you and even though our situations aren't exactly the same, there are days when I'm feeling this way too. We don't have nearly the amount of snow you do, but it's still such a pain trying to get out of the house and now I have to build in an extra 30 minutes to get bundled up and out of the house each day. (I can't imagine doing it pregnant!!) It's really hard being so far away from family and friends and then feeling isolated in your house... Anyway, just know that I'm thinking of you and praying that the next 8 weeks moves quickly for you! Also, sometimes I listen to this song on repeat when I'm having a rough day: "This Too Shall Pass" by Tyler Stenson. Hang in there, momma!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks girl! Good to know someone else sometimes feels the same. I get nervous posting stuff like this but I do want to remember how I really felt and hopefully look back like "thank goodness that's better!" I'll look up that song!

      Delete