"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
I didn't think about it for Shepherd, but when I was pregnant with Major I had a little theme verse that I kept coming back to. It was:
1 John 4:18
"There is no fear in love. Perfect love drives out fear."
During Major's pregnancy I was nervous about the VBAC and the pain, but that verse grounded me in knowing that my love was greater than my fear, and my Father's love certainly could get me through anything.
This time, I'm focusing on having peace, a peace that can come over me when I don't expect it or understand it. You guys, I am a total freak about stuff. I want so badly to be someone who is just joyful and happy and enjoys things like a normal person. But anytime I have a big day, even if its something I'm excited about, I am an anxious psycho who can't calm down. I hate waiting for stuff. The anticipation kills me. I can't eat, I'm sweating, I want to vomit. There is no reason for it! So I'm anticipating that the day I go in for the C-section I'll be a nervous wreck, and I don't want to be. I want to be calm and collected. I need a peace that transcends all understanding, because with me that can only come from God.
Related example: My wedding day was definitely not the best day of my life. I would never want to relive it. I didn't eat literally all day, I was so anxious for everything to get started, I was dry heaving in the sink 10 minutes before the ceremony. Then as soon as it actually started, I was fine. I just cannot handle the waiting.
Does this look like someone about to have the have the happiest day of her life? No this is someone making everyone around her worried for her future.
The decision to have a C-section was a hard one and at times I wished he was breech or something just to confirm I was making the right choice. I want to feel peace about it, and really I do, it's just tinged with disappointment.
The morning of the C-section I just want to wake up and feel calm and excited, not anxious or stressed.
10 more days to go. This has been the longest pregnancy ever.