I've struggled with how to tell the story of Breaker's birth. Unlike my other two, which I've said before are days I would relive over and over again, despite the pain and everything else...I just can't say the same for Breaker's birth. And that makes me so sad. It just makes me sad that the birth experience, which happens only a few times in your life, was not great. And it wasn't anyone's fault, that's just the way it was.
His C-section was scheduled for Thursday morning. I of course couldn't sleep the night before. I woke up early to shower and get ready. We had to be at the hospital at 5:30.
The sunrise over the mountains was so pretty.
When we got there, we were led to our room where I immediately got into my hospital gown. A nurse came in and had me fill out a ton of paperwork and answer a million questions. After that came the IV in my hand, which I was dreading. I remember that being the entire worst part of Shepherd's birth. Maybe by my 3rd baby I'm more accustomed to being poked and prodded, because while it was still awful, it was not the worst.
Next, the anesthesiologist came in. This is when my day started a downward spiral. The thing I was most worried about throughout everything was the epidural. Actually it was a "spinal" but I'm still unsure of the difference. When he came in to talk to me, I started shaking and sweating. Literally my teeth were chattering. I told him I was so nervous about it. I'm pretty sure he wasn't sure what to make of me. But he said that if I would like, my husband could go ahead and come back to the operating room with me, to be with me when he put it in. Later my midwife told me that never, ever happens. Which just confirms that I am the biggest weirdo they've all ever encountered.
We had to wait awhile longer than we thought because of some emergency my doctor had to attend to. I was anxious to get started and also terrified.
We walked back to the OR where they had me sit up on the table. It was cold and clinical and I really wanted to bawl my eyes out. Nurses were scurrying around getting everything set up. The anesthesiologist was ready to go. They had me lean over this little table on a pillow and Joey was in front of me holding my hands. I was praying in my head, repeating my verse, asking for calm and peace that transcends all understanding. That did not happen. I could feel the needle go in, then he said it would go in a little further. It was the worst feeling. It hurt and I remember wincing. Not the worst pain, but still terrible and scary. This is when I started having a legit panic attack. My midwife came over and held my hand and I was just freaking out. I was scared it wouldn't work and I'd be able to feel everything. I was scared it would work too well and I'd be paralyzed or something. I was afraid of long lasting pain in my back... you know you hear about people who can still feel where the needle was placed. I knew I was panicking and tried to talk myself down but I just couldn't. I had zero control. The nurses were poking me and asking if I could feel it. This made me panic more because YES I CAN PLEASE DONT START YET. Then, to make it worse, I start vomiting uncontrollably. So my new concern is choking on my own vomit and aspirating or something. The anesthesiologist is pumping zofran or something in me to try and help with the nausea. It was awful. Everything was awful. I'm still in panic attack mode and starting to cry. The anesthesiologist offers to give me something to help me calm down. I said I didn't want anything that would affect my memory of anything, then I thought, I don't really care , anything would be better than this, so I said to go ahead. Whatever he gave me worked because I was immediately pretty much asleep. They started the C-section...or maybe they already had. I could feel tugging, which they had told me about, and I will say, for anyone who might be scared of the same thing, it was not bad or painful. Joey said they were REALLY going at it, but I couldn't tell.
So at this point, my face starts itching. Like uncontrollably itching, I'm scratching my face off. Which the anesthesiologist tells me is a normal reaction to something he gave me. Really?! So I'm now alternating back and forth between vomiting into a bag and scratching my face off. I literally wiped off every stitch of makeup. The things women go through. It's insane! You really have to just drop all sense of inhibitions. I'm vomiting into a bag while laying on my back and someone keeps wiping my face. It's humiliating. Oh and also, the spinal has affected my arms, so despite my requests that all IVs be in my non dominant arm so I could hold my baby, I now can't move my arms.
All of this has happened in a matter of a few minutes. So it didn't take long for them to get the baby out and my little Breaker Blue was here. 9:24 AM. 7 lbs 6 oz, a surprise to us both...our biggest baby.
Our song for him had been playing on repeat. The best moment was my midwife holding him up. I had gotten to have a clear drape so that I could see him immediately. She lifted him up and held him right up to the drape in front of my face. The first thing I noticed was his tan skin and dark head full of hair. One of the nurses pointed out his sweet dimple in his left cheek. They took him and suctioned him and made sure he was good, then handed him to Joey. Everyone was so on board and supportive of my request to hold him skin to skin immediately. Unfortunately, between the constant vomiting and not being able to move my arms, that didn't happen. It still is so disappointing to me. Joey held him right next to me while I think I slipped in and out of consciousness. After they were finished with everything, they took us back to our room.
I have very little memory of the rest of the day. I remember trying to hold him back in the room but I was still vomiting over and over again and completely out of it. I remember crying and feeling like I was failing him. I tried to nurse him and just physically couldn't do it. I think it took nearly 2 hours for everything to start to wear off. I'm thankful for a healthy baby, I'm just disappointed that I couldn't fully be present that first day. The rest of the hospital stay was emotional and hard. I think I cried everyday. Having a baby and no friends and not all of our family to meet him. Breaker had trouble with his weight and breastfeeding was stressful. My stomach was so tender from the surgery. It was just a lot of emotions!
But he is the most precious gift!
Later that afternoon, Joey went home to get Rhonda and the boys. I started feeling better as the day went on and the anesthesia wore off. The boys meeting Breaker was one of the sweetest memories I'll ever have. Luckily it was caught on video, or I probably wouldn't remember it! I'm going to do another post all about the boys meeting. For now, some more pictures of Breaker on his birth day!